The other day I when I was in town, I went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?” He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield, with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn’t care. I came into town by bus.
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When my father retired from a busy life as an executive in New York's financial district, he chose to live the rural life.
A couple of years later, I was talking to one of his neighbors, trying to find out how my father was doing.
She told me, "He is still different from the rest of us. He's the only farmer in the area who drives his tractor with the Wall Street Journal in his back pocket and stops promptly at five p.m. for cocktails."
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Three quarters of the Earth's surface is water and one quarter is land. It is quite clear that the good Lord intended us to spend triple the amount of time fishing as taking care of the lawn.
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It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a hefty gift envelope.
At the second house he was presented with a box of fine cigars, while the folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar. The breakfast... that was my idea."
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When we get drunk, we go to sleep
When we sleep, we commit no sin
When we commit no sin, we go to Heaven
So, let's all get drunk and go to Heaven!
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