Monday, August 26, 2013

Gender Humor


WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
  • Dogs don't cry.
  • Dogs love it when your friends come over.
  • Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
  • Dogs think you sing great.
  • A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
  • Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
  • Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
  • Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
  • Dogs are excited by rough play.
  • Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
  • Dogs understand that farts are funny.
  • Dogs love red meat.
  • Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
  • Anyone can get a good-looking dog. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
  • Dogs don't shop.
  • Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
  • Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
  • A dog's parents never visit.
  • Dogs love long car trips.
  • Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
  • Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
  • When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
  • Dogs like beer.
  • Dogs don't hate their bodies.
  • No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
  • Dogs never criticize.
  • Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  • Dogs never expect gifts.
  • It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
  • Dogs don't worry about germs.
  • Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
  • Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
  • Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
  • Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
  • You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
  • Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewellery.
  • Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
  • Dogs never want foot-rubs.
  • Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
  • Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
  • Dogs can't talk.
  • Dogs aren't catty.
  • Dogs seldom outlive you.
HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE
  • Both look stupid in hats.
  • Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
  • Both tend to have "hip" problems.
  • Neither understand football.
  • Both look good in a fur coat.
  • Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say. Neither believe that silence is golden.
  • Both constantly want back rubs.
  • Neither can balance a cheque book.
  • You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
  • Both put too much value on kissing.
HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
  • Women leave the room to fart.
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I'm Glad I'm A Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
And I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
Or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
To have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
Stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad rm a woman, a woman you see
You can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I am so glad I am Pm a woman and not a man like you!

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I'm Glad I'm A Man
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
And when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
And I don't go around checking my reflection
In everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
And when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think it's a privilege for me
To have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It's more fun than dealing with women after all!

I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes. I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

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A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Honey, pack up your things. I just won the lottery!"

She replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

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