Monday, August 26, 2013

Trickery

A man in Newfoundland calls his son in Calgary two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; fourty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.  "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Vancouver and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 

"No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "Let's fly over there right away and take care of this."

She calls Newfoundland immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until we get there.  We'll both be there by tomorrow.  Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and she hangs up and starts packing.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.  "Okay," he says, "they're both coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

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A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the
bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of."

"Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?"

The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing 'Blue Moon'.

"That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000.

"I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that too."

"Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the 'Star Spangled Banner'."

The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the 'Star Spangled Banner'

As the bartender hands over another $1000, a business man comes up and says, "I just saw that and
I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000."

The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the business man left.

The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!"

The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."

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So there's this magician working on a small cruise ship. He's been doing his routines every night for a
year or two now. The audiences appreciate him, and they change over often enough that he doesn't have to worry too much about new tricks.

However, there's this parrot who sits in the back row and watches him night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience.

For example, when the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind his back!" Well, the magician get really annoyed at this, but he doesn't know what to do.

One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting on the other end of the plank. They just stare at each other and drift. They drift for 3 days and still don't speak.

On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"

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