Religion

PRIEST'S FIRST MASS

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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Gender Humor

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

• Dogs don't cry.
• Dogs love it when your friends come over.
• Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
• Dogs think you sing great.
• A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
• Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
• Dogs are excited by rough play.
• Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
• Dogs understand that farts are funny.
• Dogs love red meat.
• Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
• Anyone can get a good-looking dog. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
• Dogs don't shop.
• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
• Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
• A dog's parents never visit.
• Dogs love long car trips.
• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
• Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
• When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
• Dogs like beer.
• Dogs don't hate their bodies.
• No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
• Dogs never criticize.
• Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
• Dogs never expect gifts.
• It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
• Dogs don't worry about germs.
• Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
• Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
• Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
• Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
• You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
• Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewellery.
• Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
• Dogs never want foot-rubs.
• Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
• Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
• Dogs can't talk.
• Dogs aren't catty.
• Dogs seldom outlive you.

HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE

• Both look stupid in hats.
• Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
• Both tend to have "hip" problems.
• Neither understand football.
• Both look good in a fur coat.
• Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say. Neither believe that silence is golden.
• Both constantly want back rubs.
• Neither can balance a cheque book.
• You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
• Both put too much value on kissing.

HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

• Women leave the room to fart.

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I'm Glad I'm A Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
And I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
Or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
To have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
Stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad rm a woman, a woman you see
You can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I am so glad I am Pm a woman and not a man like you!

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I'm Glad I'm A Man
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
And when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
And I don't go around checking my reflection
In everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
And when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think it's a privilege for me
To have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It's more fun than dealing with women after all!

I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes. I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

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A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Honey, pack up your things. I just won the lottery!"

She replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

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Visual Illusions

 

 

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Are you seeing a frontal view of this man
 -- or a side view?

 

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Do you see horses fighting


-- or a woman's head?

 

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What do you see?

The bust of an old man  --


or a man and a woman and a dog?

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Is Neptune by the water's edge --
or with a mermaid?

 

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Which do you see?

The heads of an elderly couple --

or the bodies of a young couple?

 

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Which do you see?

The woman at her vanity table --

or a skull?

 

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Stupidity

Two Frenchmen walk into a pet store. Right away they go over to the exotic bird section.  Jean-Marc says to Jean-Pierre, "That's them".

The store clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yea, we'll take four of those birds from this cage up there," says Jean-Marc.  "Put them in a paper bag."

The clerk does this and the two guys leave the store.

They get into Jean-Marc's truck and drive for three hours until they are high up in the hills and stop at the face of a large cliff with a 500 foot drop.

"This looks like a good place, eh?" says Jean-Pierre.

"Oh yea! This does look good," replied Jean Marc.

They flip a coin and Jean-Marc wins the toss, "Tabernac! I guess I got to go first, eh?" says Jean-Pierre.  Jean-Pierre takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.  Jean-Marc watches as his buddy drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.

As Jean-Marc looks over the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Oh hell.  This budgie jumping is too
dangerous for me!"

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Friendship

Some friends are bossy and try to run your life
Some are a real pain in the butt, and give you ulcers
Some are fitness freaks, dragging you to sports events
Some are scavengers, who raid your lunch bag
Some are slobs who embarrass you by making the worse Dressed List

And then there are friends like you
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Adult Humor (could be offensive)

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

 Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

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Top Twenty Reasons why Chocolate is better than Sex

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter, it's always good.

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Children

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be, yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with!

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to know that you actually set it free in the first place, then you either married it, or gave birth to it.

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Little Timmy watched his mother spread cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Timmy. "Giving up?"

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Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God made you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the grandpa answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in a small mirror. Her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,
"Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?

Little Johnny replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "That big sissy."

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Just Some Fun

Tombstone Names (for Halloween)

Otta B. Alive Ted N. Barried I. L. Beback Ohn Lee Bones Chris P Bones Rusty Bones Sue D. Bumm Ray N. Carnation Imen A. Casket M. T. Casket B.A. Corpse Sue D'Bum I. M. Dedd Barry M. Deep I. Trudy Departed

Bin Dere Dustin T. Dust Kerry Emoff Ima Frade Izzy Gaune I. B. Gaune U.R. Gaune I. M. A. Gauner Jess Gough Justin Graves Berry D. Hatchet Lefty B. Hynde Bill M. Lader C. U. Later Herr I. Lay

Herr I. Lie Barry A. Live G. I. Missue Yul B. Next R. U. Next Yetta Nother Rust N. Peece Fester N. Rott Moe Shonless Levy Tation Justin Tyme Dawn Under Mummy B. Ware R. U. Waytin Y. U. Waytin Reid N. Weep

 

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A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

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A man walks into a Doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asked.

"You're not eating properly," replied the Doctor.

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A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"

The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

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A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.

The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of
books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.

The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!" By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library.

She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time.

The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying, "Read it, read it, read it..."

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Working Sucks

The firm had a well-earned reputation for firing its management staff with great rapidity.

Recalling his first day on the job, one current executive said, "I didn't mind finding my name printed on the door with chalk, but I was quite disturbed by the wet sponge hanging on the doorknob."

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De BOSS ain't always right... but he is always de BOSS!

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Please be patient.  I only work here because I am too old for a paper route, too young for social security and too tired to have an affair.

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God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things.  Right now, I am so far behind that I shall never die

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PSALM OF A POSTAL WORKER

A terror is my boss,
I hall not slack off.
He throweth my cigarettes in the trashcan,
He taketh away my holidays,
He loadeth me down with piled-up work.
He leadeth me to the main office to be disciplined
For the sake of his sanity.

Yea, even tho' I walk thru the office
In the shadow of suspicions,
I fear great evil;
For I have forgotten to sign in.

Thy face and thy staff
They do not comfort me...
Thou ignoreth me with thine words,
In the presence of my supervisors
Thou annointest my head with formal counsels.
My eyes runneth over.

Surely hard work and mistreatment shall follow me
In all the days of my life
And I shall dwell in the house of labor forever.

Amen, special delivery.

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For several years now, I've been blaming it on middle age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, underarm odour, yellowy wax buildup and another dozen maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.

But I have found out that these are not the reasons!

I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 27 million. Of these, 11 million are retired. That leaves 16 million to do all the work.

Six million are in school, so that leaves ten million to do all the work. 

Two million are unemployed, while four million are employed by the government.  That leaves 4 million to do all the work.

One million are in the armed forces.  Two million are employed by municipalities and country councils.  That leave one million to do all the work.

There are 620,000 people in hospitals and 379,998 people in prisons.  That leaves two people to do all the work.

YOU and ME.  And you are sitting on your ass reading this.

No wonder I'm so tired!

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What are the similarities between the boss and a diaper?

1. They are always hanging around your ass.
2. Then are both full of shit.

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Pictorial Jokes

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Retired People Do All Day

The other day I when I was in town, I went into a shop.  I was only in there for about 5 minutes.  When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?” He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. 

I called him a Nazi turd.  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. 

So I called him a shit-head.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield, with  the first.  Then he started writing a third ticket. 

This went on for about 20 minutes.  The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

 Personally, I didn’t care.  I came into town by bus.

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When my father retired from a busy life as an executive in New York's financial district, he chose to live the rural life.

A couple of years later, I was talking to one of his neighbors, trying to find out how my father was doing.

She told me, "He is still different from the rest of us. He's the only farmer in the area who drives his tractor with the Wall Street Journal in his back pocket and stops promptly at five p.m. for cocktails."

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Three quarters of the Earth's surface is water and one quarter is land.  It is quite clear that the good Lord intended us to spend triple the amount of time fishing as taking care of the lawn.

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It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a hefty gift envelope.

At the second house he was presented with a box of fine cigars, while the folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar. The breakfast... that was my idea."

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When we drink, we get drunk
When we get drunk, we go to sleep
When we sleep, we commit no sin
When we commit no sin, we go to Heaven
So, let's all get drunk and go to Heaven!

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Trickery

A man in Newfoundland calls his son in Calgary two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; fourty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.  "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Vancouver and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 

"No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "Let's fly over there right away and take care of this."

She calls Newfoundland immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until we get there.  We'll both be there by tomorrow.  Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and she hangs up and starts packing.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.  "Okay," he says, "they're both coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

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A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the
bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of."

"Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?"

The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing 'Blue Moon'.

"That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000.

"I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that too."

"Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the 'Star Spangled Banner'."

The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the 'Star Spangled Banner'. 

As the bartender hands over another $1000, a business man comes up and says, "I just saw that and
I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000."

The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the business man left.

The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!"

The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."

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So there's this magician working on a small cruise ship. He's been doing his routines every night for a
year or two now. The audiences appreciate him, and they change over often enough that he doesn't have to worry too much about new tricks.

However, there's this parrot who sits in the back row and watches him night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience.

For example, when the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind his back!" Well, the magician get really annoyed at this, but he doesn't know what to do.

One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting on the other end of the plank. They just stare at each other and drift. They drift for 3 days and still don't speak.

On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"