Just Some Fun

Tombstone Names (for Halloween)

Otta B. Alive Ted N. Barried I. L. Beback Ohn Lee Bones Chris P Bones Rusty Bones Sue D. Bumm Ray N. Carnation Imen A. Casket M. T. Casket B.A. Corpse Sue D'Bum I. M. Dedd Barry M. Deep I. Trudy Departed

Bin Dere Dustin T. Dust Kerry Emoff Ima Frade Izzy Gaune I. B. Gaune U.R. Gaune I. M. A. Gauner Jess Gough Justin Graves Berry D. Hatchet Lefty B. Hynde Bill M. Lader C. U. Later Herr I. Lay

Herr I. Lie Barry A. Live G. I. Missue Yul B. Next R. U. Next Yetta Nother Rust N. Peece Fester N. Rott Moe Shonless Levy Tation Justin Tyme Dawn Under Mummy B. Ware R. U. Waytin Y. U. Waytin Reid N. Weep

 

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A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

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A man walks into a Doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asked.

"You're not eating properly," replied the Doctor.

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A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"

The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

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A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.

The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of
books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.

The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!" By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library.

She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time.

The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying, "Read it, read it, read it..."

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Working Sucks

The firm had a well-earned reputation for firing its management staff with great rapidity.

Recalling his first day on the job, one current executive said, "I didn't mind finding my name printed on the door with chalk, but I was quite disturbed by the wet sponge hanging on the doorknob."

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De BOSS ain't always right... but he is always de BOSS!

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Please be patient.  I only work here because I am too old for a paper route, too young for social security and too tired to have an affair.

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God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things.  Right now, I am so far behind that I shall never die

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PSALM OF A POSTAL WORKER

A terror is my boss,
I hall not slack off.
He throweth my cigarettes in the trashcan,
He taketh away my holidays,
He loadeth me down with piled-up work.
He leadeth me to the main office to be disciplined
For the sake of his sanity.

Yea, even tho' I walk thru the office
In the shadow of suspicions,
I fear great evil;
For I have forgotten to sign in.

Thy face and thy staff
They do not comfort me...
Thou ignoreth me with thine words,
In the presence of my supervisors
Thou annointest my head with formal counsels.
My eyes runneth over.

Surely hard work and mistreatment shall follow me
In all the days of my life
And I shall dwell in the house of labor forever.

Amen, special delivery.

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For several years now, I've been blaming it on middle age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, underarm odour, yellowy wax buildup and another dozen maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.

But I have found out that these are not the reasons!

I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 27 million. Of these, 11 million are retired. That leaves 16 million to do all the work.

Six million are in school, so that leaves ten million to do all the work. 

Two million are unemployed, while four million are employed by the government.  That leaves 4 million to do all the work.

One million are in the armed forces.  Two million are employed by municipalities and country councils.  That leave one million to do all the work.

There are 620,000 people in hospitals and 379,998 people in prisons.  That leaves two people to do all the work.

YOU and ME.  And you are sitting on your ass reading this.

No wonder I'm so tired!

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What are the similarities between the boss and a diaper?

1. They are always hanging around your ass.
2. Then are both full of shit.

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Pictorial Jokes

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Retired People Do All Day

The other day I when I was in town, I went into a shop.  I was only in there for about 5 minutes.  When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?” He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. 

I called him a Nazi turd.  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. 

So I called him a shit-head.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield, with  the first.  Then he started writing a third ticket. 

This went on for about 20 minutes.  The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

 Personally, I didn’t care.  I came into town by bus.

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When my father retired from a busy life as an executive in New York's financial district, he chose to live the rural life.

A couple of years later, I was talking to one of his neighbors, trying to find out how my father was doing.

She told me, "He is still different from the rest of us. He's the only farmer in the area who drives his tractor with the Wall Street Journal in his back pocket and stops promptly at five p.m. for cocktails."

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Three quarters of the Earth's surface is water and one quarter is land.  It is quite clear that the good Lord intended us to spend triple the amount of time fishing as taking care of the lawn.

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It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a hefty gift envelope.

At the second house he was presented with a box of fine cigars, while the folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar. The breakfast... that was my idea."

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When we drink, we get drunk
When we get drunk, we go to sleep
When we sleep, we commit no sin
When we commit no sin, we go to Heaven
So, let's all get drunk and go to Heaven!

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Trickery

A man in Newfoundland calls his son in Calgary two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; fourty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.  "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Vancouver and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 

"No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "Let's fly over there right away and take care of this."

She calls Newfoundland immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until we get there.  We'll both be there by tomorrow.  Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and she hangs up and starts packing.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.  "Okay," he says, "they're both coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

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A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the
bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of."

"Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?"

The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing 'Blue Moon'.

"That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000.

"I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that too."

"Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the 'Star Spangled Banner'."

The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the 'Star Spangled Banner'. 

As the bartender hands over another $1000, a business man comes up and says, "I just saw that and
I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000."

The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the business man left.

The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!"

The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."

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So there's this magician working on a small cruise ship. He's been doing his routines every night for a
year or two now. The audiences appreciate him, and they change over often enough that he doesn't have to worry too much about new tricks.

However, there's this parrot who sits in the back row and watches him night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience.

For example, when the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind his back!" Well, the magician get really annoyed at this, but he doesn't know what to do.

One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting on the other end of the plank. They just stare at each other and drift. They drift for 3 days and still don't speak.

On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"