Religion

PRIEST'S FIRST MASS

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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Gender Humor

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

• Dogs don't cry.
• Dogs love it when your friends come over.
• Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
• Dogs think you sing great.
• A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
• Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
• Dogs are excited by rough play.
• Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
• Dogs understand that farts are funny.
• Dogs love red meat.
• Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
• Anyone can get a good-looking dog. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
• Dogs don't shop.
• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
• Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
• A dog's parents never visit.
• Dogs love long car trips.
• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
• Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
• When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
• Dogs like beer.
• Dogs don't hate their bodies.
• No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
• Dogs never criticize.
• Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
• Dogs never expect gifts.
• It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
• Dogs don't worry about germs.
• Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
• Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
• Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
• Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
• You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
• Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewellery.
• Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
• Dogs never want foot-rubs.
• Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
• Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
• Dogs can't talk.
• Dogs aren't catty.
• Dogs seldom outlive you.

HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE

• Both look stupid in hats.
• Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
• Both tend to have "hip" problems.
• Neither understand football.
• Both look good in a fur coat.
• Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say. Neither believe that silence is golden.
• Both constantly want back rubs.
• Neither can balance a cheque book.
• You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
• Both put too much value on kissing.

HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

• Women leave the room to fart.

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I'm Glad I'm A Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
And I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
Or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
To have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
Stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad rm a woman, a woman you see
You can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I am so glad I am Pm a woman and not a man like you!

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I'm Glad I'm A Man
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
And when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
And I don't go around checking my reflection
In everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
And when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think it's a privilege for me
To have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It's more fun than dealing with women after all!

I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes. I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

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A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Honey, pack up your things. I just won the lottery!"

She replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

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Visual Illusions

 

 

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Are you seeing a frontal view of this man
 -- or a side view?

 

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Do you see horses fighting


-- or a woman's head?

 

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What do you see?

The bust of an old man  --


or a man and a woman and a dog?

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Is Neptune by the water's edge --
or with a mermaid?

 

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Which do you see?

The heads of an elderly couple --

or the bodies of a young couple?

 

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Which do you see?

The woman at her vanity table --

or a skull?

 

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Stupidity

Two Frenchmen walk into a pet store. Right away they go over to the exotic bird section.  Jean-Marc says to Jean-Pierre, "That's them".

The store clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yea, we'll take four of those birds from this cage up there," says Jean-Marc.  "Put them in a paper bag."

The clerk does this and the two guys leave the store.

They get into Jean-Marc's truck and drive for three hours until they are high up in the hills and stop at the face of a large cliff with a 500 foot drop.

"This looks like a good place, eh?" says Jean-Pierre.

"Oh yea! This does look good," replied Jean Marc.

They flip a coin and Jean-Marc wins the toss, "Tabernac! I guess I got to go first, eh?" says Jean-Pierre.  Jean-Pierre takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.  Jean-Marc watches as his buddy drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.

As Jean-Marc looks over the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Oh hell.  This budgie jumping is too
dangerous for me!"

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Friendship

Some friends are bossy and try to run your life
Some are a real pain in the butt, and give you ulcers
Some are fitness freaks, dragging you to sports events
Some are scavengers, who raid your lunch bag
Some are slobs who embarrass you by making the worse Dressed List

And then there are friends like you
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Adult Humor (could be offensive)

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

 Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

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Top Twenty Reasons why Chocolate is better than Sex

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter, it's always good.

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Children

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be, yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with!

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to know that you actually set it free in the first place, then you either married it, or gave birth to it.

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Little Timmy watched his mother spread cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Timmy. "Giving up?"

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Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God made you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the grandpa answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in a small mirror. Her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,
"Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?

Little Johnny replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "That big sissy."

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